WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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