my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
