I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
