just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
