Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
