i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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