he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
