A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
