life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
