we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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