He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
