All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
