I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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