Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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