just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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