Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
