My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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