I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Randomize
