I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize