These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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