no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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