My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
