I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
