i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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