dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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