he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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