So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
