it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
