Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
