OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
