we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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