Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize