I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
