then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
