I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
