When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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