you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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