i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
