There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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