just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
