I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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