trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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