What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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