Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
