Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Floor bacon is actually really good
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
