"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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