How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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