youre lurking in front of me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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