I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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