My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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