His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
