I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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