Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
