Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
