I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
