Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
