I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
