apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
