You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She's the barista slut.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize