Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
